- March 28, 2017
My name is Rene and I’m doing a book-report on Jesus Christ.
I’m going to do this thing in one take as opposed to the pathological perfectionism I’ve allowed this world to convince me of as being so darn important at times.
The name of the book is called
“When did I accept Jesus as my Savior?”
It wasn’t an easy read 🙂
Partially because of the ADD/ADHD which I think I’ve had for as long as I can remember. It can be really hard to focus when there aren’t many pictures 🙂
It wasn’t an easy read partially because of the SEIZURES I had and was medicated for from about age 8 to about 22? It especially wasn’t an easy read because of the slowness my mind felt all those years in a world moving so fast around me that dog-gonit, NO! I don’t need to add insult to injury with more medication for DEPRESSION now at age 23 – of course I’m depressed, for 22 years now my brainwaves have been bathing in things like Phenobarbital & Tegretol probably to depress other things that might have been causing the SEIZURES like my earlier ADD/ADHD – but I don’t know that for a fact. I do know that – this book – “When did I accept Jesus as my savior?” became an increasingly difficult read when I was prescribed medication for ANXIETY and BIPOLAR DISORDERS at age 24 and medication for ANGER 🙂 around age 28 – I threw a ping-pong paddle at my wife’s head when she beat me fair and square, I just couldn’t concentrate with all the junk coursing through my veins and it was at that & myself that I was angry with. I struggled with controlling substances, their side-effects and more controlling substances to counter the earlier controlling substances’ side-effects … for most of my life.
controlling substances …
controlling mental health drugs,
controlling caffeine (a lesser drug, but a drug yes :-),
controlling extreme adrenaline producing situations (like dropping off a 200 foot sheer vertical cliff because the rope my brother and I bought at Home Depot was 100 foot short)
and controlling people.
people always seemed to control me … I guess I allowed it
men and women throughout the years who always seemed to know so much better than I and wanted desperately to help me … as long, as I took direction well and didn’t question any of their guidance. “Here take this idea, this new pill, this exercise routine, this religious belief, this pick yourself up by your own bootstraps mentality and DON’T CALL ME IN THE MORNING cause you’re on your own kid and man I’m getting a little tired of your attitude boy, snap out of it, pay attention to your surroundings & STOP BEING SUCH A BURDEN … I disown you, I give up on you”
It’s hard to remember but somewhere towards the middle of my 35th year, in the mix of all of life’s natural stresses and the ones created by my own doing I recognized that I had to change something & take ownership of all my actions and their consequences. At this point, I think it had been a couple of years that I had been getting together with a group of coworkers to read The Word once a week for about 30 minutes. Up until this point, I think I had always sought the truth but wasn’t living it entirely. Up until this point, I remember since I was pretty small, I was most of the time thinking that there was something much bigger than any of us out there but also somewhat afraid of the consequences that believing and living for this truth entirely might entail on my part. Up until this point I had been controlled by many things including many people who I thought I had to measure up to but couldn’t. I had this strangely flawed perception that the many imperfections the many fingers had pointed to in me over the years were the things that were keeping me from being a good God-fearing person and that I would have to continue to work harder to somehow fix all these imperfections and at least overcompensate for them by doing more and more other things. But whichever mental-health-drug-saturated day that it was during my 35th year, when I realized all I had to do was accept You as my savior, all my attempts to improve myself for the folks of this Earth simply dropped away because I finally saw that ALL OF US were flawed and the improvements I wanted to make of myself became more peacefully driven when I was doing it for You.
Ad lib (got off drugs 35-8), most difficult year in my LIFE but somehow not only overcame it with Your help but triumphed in so many inconceivable ways – learned to communicate with my wife about everything to the point of annoyance – we look out for each other now in so many awesome ways now. And so many many wonderful unbelievable things that You have blessed me with for about a year and a half now. I never thought I would get off the drugs.
You will always have my better interests in mind and so I seek Your truth in all matters no matter how painful seeking that truth is, has been or will be. I know now (although I do often falter and will continue to falter at times) that Your truth is, has been and will always be eternal and that was – eternally redundant 🙂 You will never disown me, You will never give up on me. It’s been a life-long journey and will continue being so I’m sure, but …
When did I accept Jesus as my savior?
The day I learned that (in the midst of all the talents and imperfections You gave me) that it was possible to joyfully serve both men and women of this world without ever feeling like I had to answer to either of them. Just to You.
By the way, the cliff, did not end in water – my brother caught me in his open and waiting arms and both of us somehow tumbled unharmed into a lesser grade ditch. He still refers to that shale cliff off of I-90 by Cleveland as “Holy Grounds” whenever we drive past it and remember.
That probably would have been another good day to accept Jesus as my savior 🙂